Marriage

20 marriage tips that everyone needs to know:
Below are 20 wise marriage tips from a man that was recently divorced. You wouldn’t normally think that a divorced man would give good advice on being a husband, but this man has been through enough hardship to know what is worth fighting for:

10/5/2007

Our Wedding

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

"Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you." 

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Why You Should Create a 'Marriage Bucket List' (& How to Do It)

As winter drags along with its school delays and snow days (hello,

Juno!), I find myself dreaming of tropical islands and cocktails decorated with paper umbrellas. One night I shared my sun-soaked fantasy with my husband, and the next thing I knew we were creating our own marriage bucket list.

This list is very different from our sex bucket list. Instead of trying out new positions or testing out new vibrators, our marriage bucket list is all about shared experiences outside the bedroom. Think date night activities with an adventurous streak, like taking a trip down a zipline together or spending the night in an ice hotel.

We haven’t limited ourselves to just one year to accomplish everything on our list, but we’ve made it our goal to check off at least one item by this December. The more items we’ve added to our list, the more excited we’ve become. When was the last time we shared a goal that didn’t involve paying off credit cards and making sure the kids got to school on time? We have yet to see Diana Krall, our favorite jazz musician, in concert. Instead of making excuses about budgets and sitters, we’re pledging to see her the next time she comes to DC.

So far, the experience has allowed us to reconnect and share our ultimate dreams and fantasies with each other. How about a decadent omakase (chef’s choice) dinner at Morimoto? We’ve admired Masaharu Morimoto’s cooking ever since he appeared on “Iron Chef.” We also have further-flung goals on our list; for example, both of us have always wanted to visit the pyramids of Egypt.

It may sound like the ultimate daydreaming exercise to come up with a list filled with amazing, life-changing adventures, but it was more challenging than we anticipated. Here’s what we learned when we created our marriage bucket list — and what you should know before you sit down with your partner to write yours:

Don’t expect to create a lifetime list in one sitting. It takes time to create a list this big. Sit down together over coffee or dessert and throw out ideas — multiple times.

Write down every idea. Like any brainstorming session, don’t judge your ideas. Let them flow and write down every idea. You can narrow them down later. I have no idea when we’ll get to Egypt’s pyramids, but I’m not ruling it out.

Choose different types of adventures. My husband and I don’t travel as much as we did before kids and it showed during our brainstorming sessions. We wanted to go on cruises, take a cross country road trip — basically take a couples escape away from the kids. We challenged each other to come up with ideas that didn’t involve travel. So far we want to take a couples cooking class and a tour of every brewery within a two-hour drive of our home.

Create an action plan. What’s the point of making a wishlist of things if you don’t manage to do any of them? Set a goal of accomplishing one item on your list every year. Extra points if you can check off more than one!

Keep adding to your list. You’ll come up with more ideas as you cross off your current plans.

Currently our list is just some scribbles on a scrap paper. Eventually, I’ll transfer it to Evernote. As long as I have my Smartphone, I can easily add new ideas to our list. If my husband actually used Evernote, I could share the list with him too. (He’s not as technically inclined as I am.)

At first it was hard to make our list, but once we named a few things we’d always wanted to do, the ideas gushed out like a flood. So far we’ve got all kinds of ideas on our list, from eating at Jose Andres’ minibar in DC to taking a Napa Valley road trip to seeing a burlesque show.

I’m thinking attending a burlesque show might be the first thing on our list that we actually do. A fun night out and I’ll learn some new moves to practice in the bedroom.

What would you put on your marriage bucket list?

Read more:  - Momtastic http://www.momtastic.com/love-sex/494071-create-marriage-bucket-list/#ixzz3Q8glTh9M

How I know he loves me:

So we have been attending marriage classes at our church. This journey of 10 years has not been easy. We've had our good and our HORRIBLE times, but most importantly we have made it through and are here still standing, wanting more. Our children have even noticed a huge difference and boy do they love consistency-- what child doesn't? I can happily say, we are at our happiest times in our relationship, yes even after 10 years! It's amazing what classes, role models and events can do when you put them to use.

Just this past Sunday, Joel Osteen spoke about "Secret Frustrations". These are the frustrations that lie deep within us that no one knows about. We seem happy on the inside and give this phasode of happy family, yet there is something that we feel isn't good enough and because of that, secret frustration bottles up. However if you let it go and allow things to happen on it's own trusting God, it will all fall together. We are a true testimony to that and not only have the marriage classes inspired us, but the testimonies and experiences other couples have endured, make us feel we can conquer the world! We spend toomuch time focusing on what is wrong, rather than seeing what is right especially with our spouse.

 I want to take the time and tell you that even after 10 years together, we are still learning and by that, it is extrememly important to let the other know the appreciation you from them. I see it even more now. I'm not perfect. Not one of us is. But after the last marriage class deliberatied about the subject of communication, it led the group in a different direction leaving most women screaming for attention from their men. It's amazing that it opened my eyes to see how wonderful mine was after hearing others share their remorse. I felt the need to raise my hand and let the class know that I appreciate him... That for 10 years, no matter what, he has always complimented me in every area, physically, mentally and emotionally whether I agree with it or not, and I'm so grateful for that now. Yes, he may get on my nerves because he has no problem grabbing my butt in public and calling me sexy all the time, but I've gotten used to it.

 

20 things Jason does that show me his true love for me:

1. He tells me he loves me every day, and I mean every day. Sometimes several times a day.
2. He tells me my hugs give him comfort and energy, all at the same time. He’ll say, “I need a hug,” and I’ll answer, “Me, too.” He loves my hugs.
3. He’s a gentleman and treats me like a lady— opens doors for me, helps me with my coat, holds the umbrella over me when it rains. Little things like that.
4. He takes me on a weekly date. He’s done it for as long as I can remember. He knows how important it is for us to have time together without the kids.
5. He’s willing to take me to a chick flick.... I repay him with his type of movie the next time around.
6. He brings me lunch on his days off while I'm at work and then is sad when he can't eat it with me.
7. He prays for me, with me and for/with our children. We matter enough to him that he talks to God about us and our needs.
8. He works hard for us. I’ve always felt secure in his determination to do this. Not that we haven't had our hard times, because we have. But he keeps on plugging along, for which I am very grateful.
9. He supports me in all I do and wouldn't mind if I was a stay at home mom like I was when our first child was born, yet he know's that I love working and getting out of the house as he supports that. I just love that he at least provided that opportunity for me.
10. He encourages me to develop my talents and skills. He encourages my goals and wishes. When I was in graduate school, he was so happy for me, now that I've graduated, he braggs about my accomplishments to everyone.
11. He tells me I’m beautiful, even during those times when I don’t feel it. You know, before the makeup or combed hair. It surprises me and makes me happy inside. He makes me want to do all I can to look good for him, and for myself.
12. He likes to take the kids and I on fun family adventures, even if they are cheesy, we still have a good time.
13. He takes us (his little family) to church every Sunday morning. We spend atleast 4 hours there for service AND marriage classes, then we come home to eat lunch and he goes back for his 2 hour Men's Ministry Class... and he does it all with no complaints, because he wants too. Man, I love his dedication to God. It comforts me.
14. He helps me with the dishes. If I don't have a chance to do them, or he see's that I've slaved in the kitchen cooking dinner, he will take the initiative to do it, even if he really doesn't want to. That’s right.
15. He loves our children and frets over their sorrows and heartaches. He’s not quite as emotional about it as I am, but his love is deep and real. He has his own way of doing things and they are fine with that and love him just as much.
16. He doesn’t question my spending. He has always trusted me with our finances. As a result, I do my best to be wise with what we have.
17. He takes care of himself, dresses nicely and smells good. He always thanks me for his good choice of fashion :-) Of course, he’s not afraid to get sweaty and dirty with a little yard work.
18. He apologizes everytime he makes a mistake and rather take the blame over a heated fight just so we can make up... :-P His dedication to being a good man and father to his family is astounding.
19. He takes care of me when I’m sick. He and our children wait on me hand and foot, like doctors. That makes my heart happy.
20. He finds his favorite jokes, inspirationals and marriage funnies on facebook and shares them with me via text if i'm at work or in person if we're together. When he laughs, it makes me laugh.

By now you may be thinking he is near perfect. Well, I can tell you, it doesn't happen over night and, he’s not perfect, none of us are, but this list brings him close to perfection in my eyes. I could tell you about his imperfect side, but that will be another blog. Until then, this is how I know he truly loves me.



Ways to Show You Love Him

1. Pick up a little snack for him at the store (or make him one) that he can take to work with him the next day.
2. Cuddle while you watch a movie
3. Warm a towel for him while he’s in the shower, so a hot towel is waiting for him instead of a cold bathroom.
4. Drop off Starbucks to him at his work.
5. Do all the laundry in the house.
6. Thank him for taking care of you in all of the ways that he does. Spiritually, financially, mentally, friendship, etc.
7. Sincerely thank him for the things he does for your family.
8. Write a brief love-note and stick it on his pillow or where he will find it easily.
9. Make his favorite meal for dinner.
10. Play the game “21 Questions” – get to know your spouse.  Even if you’ve been married for several years there are so many things to re-learn about our loved ones!
11. Show them we are their fan by telling someone else something we like about our hubby’s, once in their hearing if possible, the other time to get us in the habit of saying and thinking great things about our husbands.
12. Bring a plate of homemade cookies to him at work, enough to share with his co-workers.
13. Make your house a bit cleaner than normal, or spiffy it up in a special way.
14. Hot Coco waiting for him when he gets home (assuming, it is cold out), maybe a iced drink if it’s hot.
15. Let your DH know you love them while they are at work {a phone call, email, note with lunch, etc.}.
16. Get up with the kids and let him sleep in on the weekend.
17. Put on some lipstick before he gets home!
18. Play footsie – dinner time can often be crowd control from opposite sides of the table.  If you can’t play footsie, maybe sit next to each other if that is usual for you.
19. Let him know something positive that someone said to you about your husband.
20. Pick a 24hr period and try not to complain about anything to him during that time.
21. Date night at home after you put the kids to bed early.
22. Take out the trash or do “his” chore that day.
23. Do something extra special to greet your DH when he gets home tonight. If you usually greet with a smile, add a smooching session, if you greet over the noise of the kids from the other room, meet him at the door, if you are wonder woman, add a favorite meal or something else that is different for you.
24. Make your DH/SO laugh.  Get a good belly laugh out of him to get rid of the stress he’s been accumulating all day.
25. Dig out, clean & wear the engagement ring.  Shining Rings here we come!
26. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s.
27. Walk closer to them than normal.
28. Hold their eyes longer than normal in conversation
29. Pick a book that interests both of you and take turns reading to each other.
30. Give him a flower – as girls we so often get the flowers!  Give him a turn!
31. Give him a long foot rub.
32. Play “your song” or other sappy songs that remind you of your early days together.
33. Take a “kissy” picture together!  Our pictures are from our wedding, we need new “together” ones!
34. Wake him up right before the alarm goes off with kisses.
35. Serve your hubby without expecting something in return.
36. Give him alone time so he can recharge!
37. Go on a “date” as a whole family – a strand of three (or more) is not easily broken. Do something everyone would enjoy together.
38. Be quick to apologize if you have done something hurtful or inconsiderate.
39. Compliment him for getting a good deal on something, or saving money.
40. Say your vows to each other, maybe even in front of the kids.
41. Make a “Love Note Jar” with all the different reasons that you love them listed inside.  Lindsey was able to come up with 200 reasons.  Let me know if you top that!
42. Go for a long walk together.
43. Make an extra effort to actively listen to him.  Ask leading questions to get him talking about his day.
44. Thinks of three reasons you are proud of him, let him know!
45. Defend his decisions and actions to others, especially family or close friends.
46. Sit shoulder to shoulder – no need for talking, just keep him company.
47. Do something that he likes that you wouldn’t normally do.
48. Let him pick a movie that you wouldn’t normally care for.
49. Play a game that he likes or is better at.
50. Thank you husband for being a good example for your children and being the leader in your home.
51. Ask him about his dreams & desires.
52. Go out to his favorite restaurant.
53. Tell him something that you have learned about yourself that you are changing to be better for him.
54. Pick him up a small “man” gift that he has been hinting about.
55. Backrub, foot rub, etc.
56. Thank his mother for doing an excellent job in raising your man!
57. Have sex with him – without him begging you or complaining about it. Initiate!
58. Get dressed sexy for him.
59. Say something nice about him to someone else.
60. Fill his car with gas so he doesn’t have to stop on the way to work.
61. Get his car washed & vacuumed or do it yourself.
62. Iron his favorite shirt so it will look that much nicer.
63. Compliment his body in some way. Weight, eyes, lips, etc.
64. Sex coupons – Don’t be cheap here. He desires sex more than anything. Get creative.
65. Encourage him to go out for an evening with the guys.
66. Thank your husband for choosing you to be his wife.
67. Tell the kids one of the reasons that you fell in love with their dad, in front of him.
68. Tell the kids something that dad does for the family that is so special, in front of him.
69. Let him know a reason that he makes you feel safe. Men want to protect us.
70. Ask him about a question that relates to his expertise or a hobby of his.
71. Compliment him for getting a good deal on something, or saving money.
72. Ask him how you can pray for him.
73. Tell him all of the reasons that you respect him, not love him.
74. When you feel the desire to nag or remind him of something he is not doing, choose instead to thank him for something that he does for you.
75. Hang out with your husband while he is doing a task that serves the family. Such as fixing the car, hanging a light, repairing something, etc.
76. Go out of your way to take care of him if he is sick. Above & beyond.
77. Let your husband discipline the children without you second guessing him or going against him.
78. Say something nice about him to his family & to yours, in front of him.
79. Tell him you love him – it is amazing how important those three words are!
80. Invite his best friend (& wife or girlfriend) for dinner. Just his friends, not yours as well.
81. Make his favorite dessert within his sight, wearing something just for him.
82. When he’s in the shower in the morning (he gets up before me), I sometimes get up and get him breakfast ready, if normaly he does this on his own.
83. Swing by his work and leave something in his car, then I take a photo of his car with my phone and send it to him to let him know I was by…
84. Write a message to him on the mirror when it’s steamed up from the shower. It will only appear when the mirror gets fogged. I do this when I shower so it’s a surprise when he takes his shower.
85. Leave a note in the paper (or another consistent place) every morning. Just a quick little sweet love note.