When you choose to do what's right...

Tonight we decided to go to the movies with his mother. There have been issues with that for a while except -- it didn't used to be like this. Issues in which my daughter was uncomfortable being around her own grandmother. Issues where family members on his side, believed "I" or my husband were cohersing her decisions. In fact, that was not at all what we were doing... whatsoever. It was genuinely my daughter's 8 year old decision based on what she had seen for herself. Children are at that age are intelligent and they absorb pretty much -- everything. It's sad that things have to be the way they are -- but I do know that I have tried to do what's right numerous times, it's just that when you try again and again --- you become numb --- and then you start seeing your children become numb to those same things, especially during the hard times when they can see who has been there and who hasn't been there for them. HOWEVER, she is the grandmother and we have to as parents, try to get to the route of the situation and help our kids understand the power of forgiveness, even if they don't want to hear it at the moment. All we can do is model it and they can follow us after -- at their own pace. Which is excatly what we did tonight. It wasn't all peaches and cream and you could feel the layer of awkwardness between the kids and her. It's been a year. Yet, slowly but surely, it will get better because my huz and I aren't leaving each others side and because we stand strong with our children and their decisions, as they too need to see the committment and love we share as a family regardless the situations. As long as we do our part, that's all that matters.

Here is an article I found interesting that may led us to that place: Enjoy all!

I know it may not be easy at times, but we're not in it alone! At All!

 

Dear Family Whisperer: How Do I Deal With My MIL (Mother-in-Law)?

"In-laws! An age-old family dilemma. We don't marry them, but they go with the territory, for better or worse. At best, they're like parents (assuming you get along well with your parents!) At worst, you feel they're casting a watchful eye in your direction. Think Robert De Niro as Ben Stiller's suspicious and judgmental father-in-law in Meet the Fockers.

Parenting is a high-stakes occupation. If you're like most moms today, you're already self-conscious and stressed out. And then along comes this stranger, telling you what to do. She doesn't necessarily say it out loud, but you know she's thinking, That's not how I'd do it. Even if you mostly get along, the mere hint of disagreement can tap into your worst fear: I'm not doing this right.
 Instead of worrying about your mother-in-law's judgment, focus on improving the relationship. The key to making and maintaining any relationship -- with our partners, our children or our "other significant others" (parents, siblings, in-laws) -- is to get "REAL."

REAL, which stands for Responsibility, Empathy, Authenticity, and Love, reminds you to....
1) Take responsibility. All relationships are the "co-creation" of two people. The connection between you and your MIL isn't just about her. You also bring something to the table. Figure out what it is. Then, try to slow yourself down and before you say or do anything, ask yourself, Is this going to better our relationship? If the answer is no, edit yourself.
2) Be empathetic. Step in her shoes; understand where she's coming from. You might discover kernels of truth and wisdom in your MIL's perspective. Also, show her that you want to connect. Researchers have also found that when you "accommodate" during conversation -- she leans in, and you do, too -- that can help diminish the "social distance" between you.
3) Be authentic. Talk about what matters to you and how you came to be who you are. In short, be a real person whom your MIL can get to know. You don't have to apologize for the way you parent. Just calmly state how you do things.
4) Lead with love. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Come from the wisest, most mature part of yourself -- the part that wants a good relationship. Also, cut her some slack. She "mothered" at a different time. Older generation parents often criticize what they don't understand.
As you get to know each other, you'll find common ground, and it won't feel like you're on opposite sides. It will never be "perfect"--no relationship is. But if you work at the relationship, you just might learn from each other."