My new fears... As a mother

When we first realized we were pregnant, all my feelings bottled up as one. Being super excited to being super nervous. I knew I could do it. I knew it was something I was ready to take on. I was ready and I believed I wouldn't be fearful of anything. I would be the best mother I could be because I had the best mother to teach me. Sure I had fears any new mother would have but it wasn't something that made me upset. I had fears that I new I could conquer. Not so much today. Today, my daughter is 7 and my son will be turning 4 in a few weeks. I have new fears. I have fears that I never thought I would have. I have fears that came back from when I held my daughter in my arms for the first time and when I looked my son in the eyes as I assisted the doctors in pulling him out. Although "God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind"... I'm still human. I am a mother.

After my daddy died 19 weeks ago today, new fears arose for my children. I understand our life on earth is not promised tomorrow. I understand that anything can happen. I understand that one day we all have to die. BUT, I'm not ready for that. Just as I was not ready for my daddy to leave. I thought he was bulletproof. I believed he would be the testimony of all testimonies. I believed I would have him for all my life or most of it, and my children's lives. Not because I'm crazy, but because I was faithful and wasn't prepared for what life had planned for him. This is the same for my children. I brought these beautiful babies into this world thinking I would spend my life watching them grow old, watching them succeed, fail and love. My new fear as a mother is not being able to see them do any of the above.

One of the fears I had as a first time mother was transitioning into independence and parenthood, balancing old life with new life of holding on to the things that are important and knowing when to let go of the ideas that are no longer crucial. This was a fear that I conquered. As you know, my children made me stronger. I was determined to finish college for them. To continue to a higher education just so they could follow in my footsteps as my parents did for me. 

The second fear I had as a first time mother was not being the best parent for my children. Being young, I was stereotyped as a young Latina mother who would not finish school, drop-out, live on welfare, have more babies, not having the proper parenting skills and clean houses for a living. This was a fear I conquered. It was easy to worry about not living up to the ideal "expert" parent award, but I believe everyone parents differently. Who knows what ideal really is? I believe I am a good mother to my children and am still learning about this motherhood thing which makes it work. There's no such thing as a perfect mom. As long as you continue to give them your time, your attention, and your love, you are probably doing a pretty good job.

The third fear I had as a first time mother was not being sexy anymore. This was a stereotype of all mothers however, being young, we are able to get away with it a little bit more. Birth, stretch marks and breastfeeding re-purpose the body parts formerly associated with sex. I nursed both of my children until about a year in a half to two years and I wouldn't change it for the world although my breasts weren't as perky as before. As far as stretch marks go, I'm not sure if being young has to do with it, but I didn't get any, even after two children. The secret to that is coco butter. I rubbed it religiously every morning and night. Remember, having the best sex as a parent of a new baby isn't that difficult if you can manage a balance of all of the above.

The fourth fear I had as a mother was and is stranger danger. Not so much of when they were younger because they were always with me, but now as they are older and more independent, they like to run off or play under the shelves, clothing racks at stores. These Amber Alerts are serious and there must be several a month that go off on my iPhone unexpectedly. I have told my children time and time again that if they do not stay near me, a stranger might get them and they will never see mommy again. Is that uncalled for? In my opinion, NO. Because now, they have the fear of never seeing mommy again. They know to stay close and to never leave my sight. 

"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you have, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed." Even though I understand this quote, reality kicks in and my fears as a mother change frequently. I know as they grow older my fears will continue to change and my fears will be conquered.