Flashback Friday... Remembering her Papu

It's the third night in a row... and she wakes up believing every time, that it was real. "Mommy, Mommy, I dreamt about Papu again!" She had tears streaming down her face. She grabbed a photo that she always holds dear to her and says softly "I will never forget him... But this time, when I saw Papu in my dream, he was an Angel. I don't want him to be an Angel. I want him here with me. I want to be able to feel him when I hug him in my dreams, but this time I didn't. Because when I hugged him, I didn't really hug him. He was a spirit. I didn't get to feel his touch. I slipped right threw and I didn't like that feeling. I want to always be able to hug him and feel his warm body. Why didn't I feel it this time mommy?"

An answer that I was not able to answer at the time. An answer that I'm not sure any mother could answer. To see the pain she was feeling, longing for him and to see the tears as she cried dramatically, fall down her pretty little face, was too much for me. From the moment I became a mother, I have sought to protect my child from the pain and sorrows of life. Mostly, I have been successful. I’ve had the ability to solve problems and the power to lessen hurts. Being open and honest with my children, I see that they are much more capable of handling their emotions than I realized. Explaining that death is a part of life, encouraging to draw special pictures of remembrance, and being there for them as they cry, it not only helps them but it helps me cope as well. All I could do was listen to her. Listen to her vent. Listen to her play out the dream, over and over again. Wishing it was real. Repeatedly saying, "I wish he would just come back!"

A thought to myself that I wish everyday too. But he isn't. He will never come back. And telling her that is something she needs to understand. Telling her to hold on to all the memories she shared with her Papu. Remembering him like he was before he was sick. Remembering all the moments only they knew about with each other; fun outings, play dates, school lunches, running errands, taking naps together, eating ice-cream, playing at the park, sitting on his lap, watching their fav movies, vacations, and so many more memories she can keep stored inside.

The photo she cherishes the most, is her and him 6 years ago for Valentines day. She was only two and she remembers picking out the picture and me asking her what she wanted to use as the message for her Papu. She wanted him to be her Valentines. The photo is below and she cherishes always.



"Happy Valentines Day Papu!
I Will Love You Forever!!!!!
Your Grand-Baby
Mykaila!"
6/28/2008