Helping my son grieve... while I do the same.

Mourning is a process of contemplation, healing and coping for the loss of a loved one. This journey, especially for a child requires help and guidance along the way during this long process. As a mother, it is my continuous job to support and empathize with my child, and boy do I empathize. I can see something different in my 4 year old son. My mom and I spoke with his teacher and she indicates that; he was once this happy and intelligent child that made friends easily and finished his work first before everyone, and now he has broken away from what he was; his behavior in class, mannerisms and connection with classmates and work has changed since the loss of his grandfather. She explained that he seems more withdrawn, he's not paying attention in class, he doesn't participate and isn't listening to her directions. When speaking with the counselor at his school, his teacher and other faculty; they have come to the conclusion that E is certainly missing his Papu. He may not express it the way us as adults express, but he expresses it in a way that he's longing for attention from his grandfather. The attention his grandfather always gave him when he was here. The grandson to grandfather talks and walks they shared together. The times he took him on "manly" dates, just him and Papu. He is coming to the realization that "Papu" isn't coming back. He mentions papu every time something reminds him of him. He seems to never forget but he keeps it mostly to himself. I understand what they are saying. Just the other day I caught him holding his "Papu Monkey" as he was just listening to his recorded voice inside. I always try to help my children cope, but I'm not perfect at it either, as I am coping myself. It is pretty traumatizing even for children, to learn to cope and adapt to not having someone so close to them (their "Papu") in their everyday lives anymore.

Here are some things that help my children whom are taking the loss of their grandfather very difficult: 

Give children permission to grieve, to cry, validate their loss.

Encourage children to express their grief through play, artwork, writing, rather than relying exclusively on verbal expression. 

Offer physical comfort; touch, kisses hugs, as needed.

Tell the truth and explain the cause of death. Avoid euphemisms such as; passed away or went to sleep.

Don't make assumptions about how the death is affecting a child. Let him/her speak and ask questions; listen with your ears eyes and heart.

Reassure the child that he or she is lived and will be cared for and that you are here to help.

Help the child say goodbye, through drawings, letter writing, planting trees. 

Maintain a daily routine, if possible; continuity is a safety net for children. School, chores, social events provide stability. 

Support groups are a place to meet other grieving children who have lost a loved one, it can help children normalize their grief.

Remember the loved one who has died. Talk about him. Honor his memory when you use the things he loved. Light a candle at a family gathering to keep his place in your hearts. Enjoy a meal, a piece of music he so often enjoyed. When you do things in his name, it keeps them alive. We will always keep him alive. Always.

He took his first steps with Papu 2009.



Grandparents day 2012: He was E's hero.